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jsnlvIt's later than it seems. A guy on my Friends page just posted an enormous locked entry about the crazy life he leads. He's got so much stuff in there it's almost hard to read. That's not a bad thing, though. It could even be admirable. Sitting here, after I'd almost read it all, I wondered how it'd moved me. After a careful inventory, I determined the only emotion I contained was a little bit of misplaced pride about something ridiculous and pointless I'd once done. The particulars are irrelevent; all you need to understand is that I once spent a great deal of time and effort to accomplish something frivolous, and somebody else was impressed enough by it that he pointed it out.
That's all I've ever aspired to, with this journal: I wanted to do something inconsequential that nonetheless interested people. It's hard to dedicate time and energy to an activity with that attitude, and so the nature of this journal's various failings should be easy to predict.
I want to do something more with this space, though. I started suggesting that I had a plan months ago; I did have a plan, but originating as it did with my original motivations, it had little chance of success.
I think now it's simplest to just say what I have to say, and stop making overtures toward unnecessary complexity. I'm getting around to it, now.
The most dissatisfying thing about life is the variability of its contents. I have a hard time committing to any path whose requirements are such that alternatives are no longer feasible; if I must choose between two directions to move in, I will postpone that decision until the last possible moment. Even once my decisions are made, they tend to be the choices that are the easiest to recover from: either they're easy to undo, or they're somehow more neutral than the other alternatives.
What's disappointing me tonight is the recognition that this approach to decision-making still fails to solve the fundamental problem, that it's still impossible to take every path. With that awareness, I find I'd rather commit to a more extreme position--but force of habit is preserving my neutral attitudes.
This is cropping up all over the place: whether to move in with new roommates, whether to move out of the city, whether to commit to my current job or look for a new one, whether to wear certain clothes or behave a certain way or respond to a coworker's flirting or to continue holding out forever. Hell, even my writing style--particularly my writing style--maintains an even tone, downplaying what's bothering me and lifting up the irrelevent in an attempt to give equal weight to every issue.
At least I'm getting a raise.
That's all I've ever aspired to, with this journal: I wanted to do something inconsequential that nonetheless interested people. It's hard to dedicate time and energy to an activity with that attitude, and so the nature of this journal's various failings should be easy to predict.
I want to do something more with this space, though. I started suggesting that I had a plan months ago; I did have a plan, but originating as it did with my original motivations, it had little chance of success.
I think now it's simplest to just say what I have to say, and stop making overtures toward unnecessary complexity. I'm getting around to it, now.
The most dissatisfying thing about life is the variability of its contents. I have a hard time committing to any path whose requirements are such that alternatives are no longer feasible; if I must choose between two directions to move in, I will postpone that decision until the last possible moment. Even once my decisions are made, they tend to be the choices that are the easiest to recover from: either they're easy to undo, or they're somehow more neutral than the other alternatives.
What's disappointing me tonight is the recognition that this approach to decision-making still fails to solve the fundamental problem, that it's still impossible to take every path. With that awareness, I find I'd rather commit to a more extreme position--but force of habit is preserving my neutral attitudes.
This is cropping up all over the place: whether to move in with new roommates, whether to move out of the city, whether to commit to my current job or look for a new one, whether to wear certain clothes or behave a certain way or respond to a coworker's flirting or to continue holding out forever. Hell, even my writing style--particularly my writing style--maintains an even tone, downplaying what's bothering me and lifting up the irrelevent in an attempt to give equal weight to every issue.
At least I'm getting a raise.
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no subject
Date: 2006-04-13 02:44 pm (UTC)If so, great. You can make more easily reversible decisions on your current path. If not then maybe you need some radical extreme change (even moving out of the city is a reversible change and changing jobs usually is if you leave on good terms).
What's wrong with accepting a little flirting? You could have the potential to make a very good friend, or more.
I'm not an advocater of the easy path even though I feel like I take it many times. However, every person is different and you have to choose what makes you feel best.
I hope that you're happy with the choices that you made/make. Just remember to not live with regrets.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-14 08:41 am (UTC)2. Many, many actions of extraordinary consequence are reversible if you expand the scale enough; at the moment, I'm mired in short term concerns: lack of money, lack of mobility (Did you know my driver's license was revoked? My driver's license was revoked! I've been getting rides from my parents, everywhere I go!), lack of time for speculative activity. Living in a marginal situation, I find high-yield short-term investments are most important: I spend my time doing things that I know will provide a certain measure of success, rather than money- and time-consuming activities that might provide tremendous success, or tremendous waste.
I know, I know. I'm complaining about a problem and then refuting the solution to same. I guess what I really need is somebody to remind me that, when I'm driving again and making my bill payments again, I need to ignore distractions and get more radical. Or maybe saying it here will be reminder enough--we'll see.
3. Hell, I wish I knew what my problem with flirting is, too. I have an intense aversion to complexity, and every potential coworker the above allusion could describe is either: a) a smoker, b) a single mother, or c) both, which pretty much encapsulates my definition of complexity. The fact that I haven't had a relationship go past the second date since my first year of college (that'd be 2001, specifically) factors into it as well.
I have a hard time responding to a girl that I can't see myself marrying. I'm not sure whether that bothers me.
4. I think it's important to appraise the way you live. I wouldn't say I'm happy with my choices so much as satisfied with them; the only things I regret I had no control over.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-16 07:36 am (UTC)The space between "this is a girl I think I might be willing to marry" and "this is a girl I'm not willing to date" is not very wide.
I wanted to put three sentences in here that each answered your question in a different way, but really, those two pretty much cover it. Maybe something about the distinction between dating someone I'm willing to marry and dating someone with the intention of getting married. I don't know.