It's Late

[jsnlv]

It's later than it seems. A guy on my Friends page just posted an enormous locked entry about the crazy life he leads. He's got so much stuff in there it's almost hard to read. That's not a bad thing, though. It could even be admirable. Sitting here, after I'd almost read it all, I wondered how it'd moved me. After a careful inventory, I determined the only emotion I contained was a little bit of misplaced pride about something ridiculous and pointless I'd once done. The particulars are irrelevent; all you need to understand is that I once spent a great deal of time and effort to accomplish something frivolous, and somebody else was impressed enough by it that he pointed it out.

That's all I've ever aspired to, with this journal: I wanted to do something inconsequential that nonetheless interested people. It's hard to dedicate time and energy to an activity with that attitude, and so the nature of this journal's various failings should be easy to predict.

I want to do something more with this space, though. I started suggesting that I had a plan months ago; I did have a plan, but originating as it did with my original motivations, it had little chance of success.

I think now it's simplest to just say what I have to say, and stop making overtures toward unnecessary complexity. I'm getting around to it, now.

The most dissatisfying thing about life is the variability of its contents. I have a hard time committing to any path whose requirements are such that alternatives are no longer feasible; if I must choose between two directions to move in, I will postpone that decision until the last possible moment. Even once my decisions are made, they tend to be the choices that are the easiest to recover from: either they're easy to undo, or they're somehow more neutral than the other alternatives.

What's disappointing me tonight is the recognition that this approach to decision-making still fails to solve the fundamental problem, that it's still impossible to take every path. With that awareness, I find I'd rather commit to a more extreme position--but force of habit is preserving my neutral attitudes.

This is cropping up all over the place: whether to move in with new roommates, whether to move out of the city, whether to commit to my current job or look for a new one, whether to wear certain clothes or behave a certain way or respond to a coworker's flirting or to continue holding out forever. Hell, even my writing style--particularly my writing style--maintains an even tone, downplaying what's bothering me and lifting up the irrelevent in an attempt to give equal weight to every issue.

At least I'm getting a raise.

Comments

[luckyleslie13.livejournal.com]

I would ask yourself if you are happy with where you're at in your life right now. Where do you want to go/be in 5 years? Will this current easy path lead you there?

If so, great. You can make more easily reversible decisions on your current path. If not then maybe you need some radical extreme change (even moving out of the city is a reversible change and changing jobs usually is if you leave on good terms).

What's wrong with accepting a little flirting? You could have the potential to make a very good friend, or more.

I'm not an advocater of the easy path even though I feel like I take it many times. However, every person is different and you have to choose what makes you feel best.

I hope that you're happy with the choices that you made/make. Just remember to not live with regrets.

[jasonlove.livejournal.com]

1. That's a good question, and it's really hard to tell. It's doubtful.

2. Many, many actions of extraordinary consequence are reversible if you expand the scale enough; at the moment, I'm mired in short term concerns: lack of money, lack of mobility (Did you know my driver's license was revoked? My driver's license was revoked! I've been getting rides from my parents, everywhere I go!), lack of time for speculative activity. Living in a marginal situation, I find high-yield short-term investments are most important: I spend my time doing things that I know will provide a certain measure of success, rather than money- and time-consuming activities that might provide tremendous success, or tremendous waste.

I know, I know. I'm complaining about a problem and then refuting the solution to same. I guess what I really need is somebody to remind me that, when I'm driving again and making my bill payments again, I need to ignore distractions and get more radical. Or maybe saying it here will be reminder enough--we'll see.

3. Hell, I wish I knew what my problem with flirting is, too. I have an intense aversion to complexity, and every potential coworker the above allusion could describe is either: a) a smoker, b) a single mother, or c) both, which pretty much encapsulates my definition of complexity. The fact that I haven't had a relationship go past the second date since my first year of college (that'd be 2001, specifically) factors into it as well.

I have a hard time responding to a girl that I can't see myself marrying. I'm not sure whether that bothers me.

4. I think it's important to appraise the way you live. I wouldn't say I'm happy with my choices so much as satisfied with them; the only things I regret I had no control over.

[jasonlove.livejournal.com]

Breaking up is hard.

The space between "this is a girl I think I might be willing to marry" and "this is a girl I'm not willing to date" is not very wide.

I wanted to put three sentences in here that each answered your question in a different way, but really, those two pretty much cover it. Maybe something about the distinction between dating someone I'm willing to marry and dating someone with the intention of getting married. I don't know.

[sxyskeksis.livejournal.com]

I wanted to do something inconsequential that nonetheless interested people.

I have never quite understood the motivation of professional bloggers, or rather, how they stay motivated. But then, I am not a writer. I use/abuse my blog for the most random of reasons, and every so often something interesting will pop up. Maybe you should try for less lofty heights at first? The beauty of writing for strangers is that they can't bug you about it in real life.

if I must choose between two directions to move in, I will postpone that decision until the last possible moment.

Preaching to the choir. I know how you feel, although I take it a step further. Rather than finally making a decision, but one that is reversible, I avoid making the decision until I do not have the option anymore. Until I have no options, even if that means flunking a test or going hungry.

Hell, even my writing style--particularly my writing style--maintains an even tone.

I think it's time for a RANT. I have a friend who is very shy and does not complain about anything. (Well, he thinks he is complaining but no one else can tell.) I have made it my personal mission to make him rant. I myself do not rant often, but when I do it's a gusher, and it feels great. Pick an issue, something that upsets you, something that annoys you, something that pisses you off... and RANT. Preface by saying that what follows will NOT be PC and will not attempt to present an unbiased viewpoint... and then spill it.



Congrats on the raise BTW.

[jasonlove.livejournal.com]

"The beauty of writing for strangers is that they can't bug you about it in real life."

The tricky thing about the internet is that not everyone on it is a stranger.

Actually, when I was making my first website back in 1998, I had a lot of goofy ideas that were fun to implement and see in action. I wish I could get back to that sort of thing here; I had more time then, and more ideas. We'll see.

"...I avoid making the decision until I do not have the option anymore. Until I have no options, even if that means flunking a test or going hungry."

You know, that might have been a more accurate thing to say, in my case, since I've done the same things. While I'm getting better about micro-level decisions like those, the macro-level, life-philosophy stuff still goes right past.

"I think it's time for a RANT."

I don't know how many times I've started writing something in here, gotten dissatisfied with it, and then closed the window without posting. It's gotta be at least a dozen, and it's always when something is pissing me off. I'll make a point to stop doing that. (The "abandoning the exercise" part, less the "started writing" part.)

"Congrats on the raise BTW."

Thanks!

It's Late

[(Anonymous)]

I thought the most disturbing line in your post was "The most dissatisfying thing about life is the variability of its contents." I can't imagine how incredibly dissatisfying life would be if life had no variability. To know, without question, how every day would unfold for the rest of my life would not be a life worth living. What good is a toy if you never take it out of the box and play with it?

Re: It's Late

[jasonlove.livejournal.com]

I like variability within my own life; what's dissatisfying is the absurd range of variability between my life and the life next to mine. Some days, that's a comfort; I'm glad I probably won't know what it's like to work in a coal mine or Chinese rice paddy. I'm glad I don't have firsthand experience of the Bubonic Plague or the Crusades.

On the other hand, I also don't know what it's like to be a breakdancer. I don't have enough interest to make the time to become a breakdancer; most of the time, it holds no appeal for me. Maybe one night in five years, though, I find myself wondering: man, being an awesome breakdancer must be satisfying as hell. I've got other things to do, though.

Re: It's Late

[(Anonymous)]

I hate to sound trite by quoting the old clichés but verily, "time waits for no man" and "failing to plan is planning to fail" still ring true. Maybe you should try treating your life like you would a buffet bar. Sample a little of this, a little of that. Find the things you love the best & dig in. Remember, to enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.

[westacular.livejournal.com]

Hello! I had no idea you even had an LJ until I saw your comment on what I assumed is the aforementioned locked entry. I, uh, think I vaguely understand what you're hinting at in the first paragraph.

I also have a hard time commiting to decisions that can't be trivially undone later. I have tended to follow the path of least resistance far too much for the past few years. This path is going to run out probably within the next year (when I finish my Masters degree) at which point I will have to confront that I have absolutely no idea what I really want to do with my life and have been avoiding trying to figure that out since I first realized the answer wasn't going to just make itself obvious.

[jasonlove.livejournal.com]

In the grand tradition of two people comparing their shitty situations, I'm going to say that I envy you yours; at least, with a Masters degree, you've got a decent jumping-off point for a variety of potential pursuits. While I know what I'd like to be doing ten years from now, and I can even see the path that would get me pretty close, it's hell to walk on. And I'm pretty sure that even if I am doing what I want to be doing in ten years, that doesn't mean I won't wind up penniless and living under a bridge.

And, yeah, that first paragraph. Man. Tim linked this journal in The Most Gorgeous Situation in Korea for my efforts, but still. I regret 90% of the stuff I post at IC and LPN within twenty-four hours, if not for the content, then for the time it took to write.

[westacular.livejournal.com]

I don't have a Masters degree yet! But I do have a bachelor's in engineering from one of the more elite programs in the country.

I just don't know what to do with any of it.

I don't know what I'd like to be doing in ten years beyond the vaguest notions that could apply to anyone (i.e., fulfillment, happiness, stability, love). Hell, I don't know what I'd like to be doing in two years.

I haven't quite been in this position before.

I'm on a easy path that I'm not passionate about, and for the things I might be (able to be) passionate about, I feel like I've squandered past opportunities and now it's too late to go back and get the requisite experience. Yes, this is silly and short-sighted and I'm selling myself short. That's the story of (the more anxious, emotionally distraught half of) my life.

Now, let me say: I appreciate 90% of the stuff I see you post at IC and LPN, and I know what it feels like to put effort into something only to have it not noticed, but let me say that I do notice your posts and I do appreciate them. You have a nice type of constructive insight that juxtaposes amusingly with your nickname. People tend to get distracted in conversations, and you seem quite skilled at cutting through that. ... But it could be I only see the 10% you actually like. Ha!

[turandot.livejournal.com]

What's disappointing me tonight is the recognition that this approach to decision-making still fails to solve the fundamental problem, that it's still impossible to take every path.

Been there, done that. Left to my own devices, my life would read as a cornucopia of Waiting For Godot (maybe that's why I've been instinctively fond of the play since I first learned of it, a good decade and a half ago). It helps that I've had people in my life who nudge, and failing that, they start shoving me towards something.

I think I agree with your anonymous commenter that bemoaning variability is... odd. I don't think you're framing the problem correctly - I think the problem, if we see it the same way, is that you have too many things you like that you feel you must leave behind if you made a choice, so sometimes you feel like the decision would be easier if you didn't have so many choices you could make. I doubt it, though. For one thing, it's not the choices total that bother you, but how each choice cancels out other possible choices. And being perturbed by it is perfectly normal, but retreating into inertia = not so good.

[jasonlove.livejournal.com]

Yes! Yes, yes, yes. You got it, there--I feel like I have obligations on several fronts to fulfill, but it doesn't feel right to abandon one in favor of fulfilling another. I agree that it's a mistake to rely on the same ol' methods to solve the problem, but I don't really feel like I've got room to maneuver at the moment. The trap lies in being unable to tell when that belief is correct and when it is only convenient. It's easy enough to tell in hindsight, but hindsight's hard to apply to things that haven't happened yet.

Yeah, Waiting For Godot is one of my favorite plays. I got a chance to see it when it came to Lawrence in 2002.