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jsnlvIt's later than it seems. A guy on my Friends page just posted an enormous locked entry about the crazy life he leads. He's got so much stuff in there it's almost hard to read. That's not a bad thing, though. It could even be admirable. Sitting here, after I'd almost read it all, I wondered how it'd moved me. After a careful inventory, I determined the only emotion I contained was a little bit of misplaced pride about something ridiculous and pointless I'd once done. The particulars are irrelevent; all you need to understand is that I once spent a great deal of time and effort to accomplish something frivolous, and somebody else was impressed enough by it that he pointed it out.
That's all I've ever aspired to, with this journal: I wanted to do something inconsequential that nonetheless interested people. It's hard to dedicate time and energy to an activity with that attitude, and so the nature of this journal's various failings should be easy to predict.
I want to do something more with this space, though. I started suggesting that I had a plan months ago; I did have a plan, but originating as it did with my original motivations, it had little chance of success.
I think now it's simplest to just say what I have to say, and stop making overtures toward unnecessary complexity. I'm getting around to it, now.
The most dissatisfying thing about life is the variability of its contents. I have a hard time committing to any path whose requirements are such that alternatives are no longer feasible; if I must choose between two directions to move in, I will postpone that decision until the last possible moment. Even once my decisions are made, they tend to be the choices that are the easiest to recover from: either they're easy to undo, or they're somehow more neutral than the other alternatives.
What's disappointing me tonight is the recognition that this approach to decision-making still fails to solve the fundamental problem, that it's still impossible to take every path. With that awareness, I find I'd rather commit to a more extreme position--but force of habit is preserving my neutral attitudes.
This is cropping up all over the place: whether to move in with new roommates, whether to move out of the city, whether to commit to my current job or look for a new one, whether to wear certain clothes or behave a certain way or respond to a coworker's flirting or to continue holding out forever. Hell, even my writing style--particularly my writing style--maintains an even tone, downplaying what's bothering me and lifting up the irrelevent in an attempt to give equal weight to every issue.
At least I'm getting a raise.
That's all I've ever aspired to, with this journal: I wanted to do something inconsequential that nonetheless interested people. It's hard to dedicate time and energy to an activity with that attitude, and so the nature of this journal's various failings should be easy to predict.
I want to do something more with this space, though. I started suggesting that I had a plan months ago; I did have a plan, but originating as it did with my original motivations, it had little chance of success.
I think now it's simplest to just say what I have to say, and stop making overtures toward unnecessary complexity. I'm getting around to it, now.
The most dissatisfying thing about life is the variability of its contents. I have a hard time committing to any path whose requirements are such that alternatives are no longer feasible; if I must choose between two directions to move in, I will postpone that decision until the last possible moment. Even once my decisions are made, they tend to be the choices that are the easiest to recover from: either they're easy to undo, or they're somehow more neutral than the other alternatives.
What's disappointing me tonight is the recognition that this approach to decision-making still fails to solve the fundamental problem, that it's still impossible to take every path. With that awareness, I find I'd rather commit to a more extreme position--but force of habit is preserving my neutral attitudes.
This is cropping up all over the place: whether to move in with new roommates, whether to move out of the city, whether to commit to my current job or look for a new one, whether to wear certain clothes or behave a certain way or respond to a coworker's flirting or to continue holding out forever. Hell, even my writing style--particularly my writing style--maintains an even tone, downplaying what's bothering me and lifting up the irrelevent in an attempt to give equal weight to every issue.
At least I'm getting a raise.
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no subject
Date: 2006-04-14 08:50 am (UTC)The tricky thing about the internet is that not everyone on it is a stranger.
Actually, when I was making my first website back in 1998, I had a lot of goofy ideas that were fun to implement and see in action. I wish I could get back to that sort of thing here; I had more time then, and more ideas. We'll see.
"...I avoid making the decision until I do not have the option anymore. Until I have no options, even if that means flunking a test or going hungry."
You know, that might have been a more accurate thing to say, in my case, since I've done the same things. While I'm getting better about micro-level decisions like those, the macro-level, life-philosophy stuff still goes right past.
"I think it's time for a RANT."
I don't know how many times I've started writing something in here, gotten dissatisfied with it, and then closed the window without posting. It's gotta be at least a dozen, and it's always when something is pissing me off. I'll make a point to stop doing that. (The "abandoning the exercise" part, less the "started writing" part.)
"Congrats on the raise BTW."
Thanks!